some perspective

I'm learning not to measure success or failure by days. Some days have too many of both. Today I gave in to pity and didn't even shower. But I also recognized and rejoiced in progress and apologized for being selfish. And I only took one pain pill all day (we won't talk about the nights--note time this is being written) All of this in the same day.

I'm doing better. I can put on my own socks seven out of ten times. I don't need a bench to shower anymore. My very large incision has healed. I can pick up my right foot, although I still don't have complete movement in my toes. I've made it up the stairs twice.

The hardest part is also my greatest blessing: my children now rely on others. They don't come to me anymore when they need a snuggle or they are hurt. They know I can't help them. The times they climb in bed with me are precious. At first, my heart broke when Asher cried for me to just hold him, "no mommy, just hold me. Asher sit on Mommy's lap." Oh, it killed me and I cried. But I also cry when I think that there are so many others who love my children enough to give them the love they need. To change the stinky diapers, distract them with activities I have not been able to do for nearly a year and who make sure they give their mom kisses goodbye and goodnight.

And then there is Duran. I really can't say how I feel about him. I miss him. Even at his worst (not so bad) being around him makes me happy. But most of all, he makes me want to be better. Because he's trying to be. And because I love him.

Thank you for the prayers. And for what you've done so far. And for all you will do over the next two months.